033am-11.20.11 undone

undone

i can see the gaps in myself.

its like understanding the

spaces between the letters and

the voids in the restricted frames of images

i am fractured, volatile, searching

11.20.11  0445am

0330am project:panic 8.28.11

hotcoldwetwarm.

tossing blankets.

writhing madly

like a fish. gills

franticallysearch

forwatertobreathe.

donotpanicplease.

JANEisnotplain 8.28.11 0348am

d.p.

d.p.

he took the glass dropper into his mouth and

squeezed out its mitigating contents onto his

tongue. it tasted bitter like an orange peel and,

he did not remember his purpose. so soon you

will forget, a voice tells him. forgive the way

some things were, he whispered. celebrate

things the way they [  ].

0346 am 8.5.11
in loving memory

i want

0330am : i want

i want to be missed, without being known.// i want someone who will take my mind and/intertwine it with theirs;/ who will stare into my eyes/ until we reach infinite moments.//

i want [finger]painting at 4am/ and nostalgic butterflies coated in musk.// i want meaningful love making /in the midst of the crowd..// i want my breath to be devoured.//

i want to taste the trees/ the bark.// i want someone to listen and/ someone to show me/what is not visible.// i want to explore [  ]/ them.// us.// show me [  ]  am real/ and exist.//

i want to be released.//  i want my mind to be let free.// i want to feel everything.// fingers on [ ] spine.// i want bites on my neck.// i want warmth and care.// i want beautiful minds.

JANEisnotplain 2.5.11

for the want ad project

thankful

thankful:

for hot baths and the /hot water heaters that / reach boiling points and/ soak into my skin in a /most painfully pleasant /way. // for pencils and erasers/ but more so for pens and / the fact that ink does not  /erase so it forces me to / accept what i write even /if it’s honest, raw or ugly.// for acceptance from and / for the people in my life/ who take me exactly as/ i am and swallow me /whole.//  for sleep and for the / [ ] that help[s] me sleep/the coffee that wakes me/up on nights i cannot sleep.// for changes in me and others in the world for/ new opportunities and the/ never ending row of doors waiting/ to be opened by me.//

JANEisnotplain 0330 am 1.28.11

lucid dreaming

at 0330am i am perfectly

lucid in a squatted patch

of space among filtered

subliminal contusions.

i am entering a theor[y]

-etical mind over matter

in a grammatic pause or

a cause to speak or to be

spoken .

0335am awake i am

slipping through the

grip of reality. i am

sinking, swimming,

in this deflated water

with these wings .

i am high above the

unjust irrationality of

just sticking to the [ ]

rules. i am coming .

unglued stealing love

lies from an honest

pair of eyes just to

survive what i am

alone becoming.

unhinged at 0341[ ] am

a broken door through

which [ ] go in and out,

swinging back and forth

between (k)nightmares

and seizures of grandeur

i am a tangible sonnet

beautiful. different. new

secretly shifting through

running sentences and

manic metaphors i am a

volatile creature wringing

hands clutching fire.

0350am whispers heavy

silence is the only answer.

JANEisnotplain 1.22.11  0358am
from the dream book series

unlocking JANE

unlocking Jane

lately the words in my head

have been very loud. banging

sometimes without any rhythm.

sometimes to my pulse, my

lust. but i am all in my [head].

my words are constantly chattering.

often they awaken me to my Self

having a heated conversation with

Self answering my own questions

about colors, conundrums, and the

uselessness of  sentence structure.

individually they are each only

words. tiny, miniscule capsules

of expressions that i re-use, re-

think, re-cycle, re-call, re-order,

into thoughts, breaths, and ideas.

compressed into columns  and

constructs on notion bound pages.

they want to build new stories,

these words. they come at me.

all with hidden agendas, thoughts,

wants,and needs. they are tortured,

enunciated, played out, stacked up

but still trying most desperately to

conjugate a new sentence or to

complete a smile.

i use words. not legs to seduce.  hard

bound shapely words like [anticipation].

to expose doors and open windows wide

to confess that this is what i want is my

words to make you feel my thoughts my

touch. i am more than black ink on white

paper.

i carry my words close as if i may

need them any moment, day ,hour,

minute, second, if we all fall down.

and i draw the delusional curtains and

sing private lullabies under the guise of

infinite and the definition of  struggle.

i hope no one notices that. i am these

words. raw. chaotic. complex. kinetic.

superfluous. scribbled. even beautiful.

sometimes running on from  sentences

and metaphors. slight in frame. distorted

in look they pour out undefined. unlabled.


JANEisnotplain 5.15.10

pieced together from a series of sleepless nights

bare crosses

bare crosses

i am naked

like a frame

up on blocks

stripped bare

barely standing

rusted through

wiped out by rain

my brain my heart

my bones my skin

 exposed.

i am naked

but not everyone

can see me.

JANEisnotplain 1.18.10

dreamed 0248sm

snowflakes

snowflakes


there are snowflakes as big as my heart and
they catch as globs in angry jealous winds
naked souls dancing through tree tops quivering
frozen in soft kisses around cold little feet
currently vulnerable waiting for warm hands
to defrost my fragile chest gently sneaking
through my window there is beauty. there is
wonder. there is faith. there are snowflakes.

JANEisnotplain

1.2.10 am

driving insanity until dawn

0745am 2010: driving insanity until dawn

i am at a borderline.// my personality meets me halfway.// but i am still Myself.//

i am at that /place where thoughts grow/ragged/and bending light/shifts through

words creating spaces.//

if i were to leave this space.// if i were to disappear into .//  broken atmospheres/

of the past/ of the future/ of the present/ crossing.// between/blurred boundaries

and textured contours?//

space is an illusion of/ depth and movement.// and my left foot is racing my right.// in horizontal timed rhymes/but i am still Myself.// standing with this disorder/ in order.//

i am an intersection/of zeros and ones/ at a border a/ cross between/ my life lines and sky lines.// but i am still Myself.//i am driving insanity/ toward the sunrise.//  released.//

JANEisnotplain

begun on 12/28/09, finished 1/1/10 at 0745am on carroll st.

 

exquitiste chaos

exquisite chaos

i woke up with my hand on a thousand nerve endings.

neurons that respond to light stimuli flickering and firing

bits of neural code mapping the steady rise of visceral blood

pounding the raw limits of imagination for pleasure only.

how did this happen? and by what means?

JANEisnotplain 12/30/09

0345am project

0330 am: out of control

 0330 am: out of control

[   ] want so much and [  ] are just doing [   ] best

and [   ] see things there that no one else does and

[   ] keep tripping and banging into walls of worth-

less conversation but [   ] keep going because [   ]

know its worth it and people say that the journey

matters but of course the destination does too or

what is the point if [   ] are too real for anyone to

comprehend and too passionate to the point of

self indulgent excess and all of life is focused on

a single point that is out of control.

[   ] really just want to kiss [    ].

JANEisnotplain 10.30.09  0349am

0330 am : alone

0330 am : alone


this is what it is like to be alone.
squinting fingers hang on new edges
emptiness glances up at me like old times
nothings whisper over fallen shoulders
i feel liberated and possible.

JANEisnotplain 10.27.09 0342am

0330am project: sun downing

0330am project: sun downing

0334am: i am
re-booting
up & typing
white glares
screen washes
my face in
electric luminance
one more hour
until work comes
early sometimes
sleep not
at all
i save
and quit
shut-down
back to
bed: 0414am


JANEisnotplain 9.09

free fall

free fall

you forgot the pedals on your bike
i broke the tassles off my handlebars
we’re still breathing hard, moving faster
and faster and faster and and faster and
i’m letting go of these mindfucking theories
this logical state of this and that and
there and then a quietness fills my throat


and suddenly
abrupt walls are built
fear of heights
i jump



JANEisnotplain 8.1.09 0347am

0330am project: disoriented

0330am: disoriented

its all here!

oh shit my

mind is alive

you know the

beautiful going

insane alive with

sparks and flame

and happiness

in letters hanging

from eyes in -

love / sanity

a rare lapse

of falling

off the edge

wake

JANEisnotplain 7.09

0339am disoriented

revelation at 0400am

revelation

4am or one hour before the
beginning of the end of time
and i feel a sad dream falling
slowly through dimly lit trees like
petals of white papers with black
words touching innocent sheets
on the line in the shadows between
truth and deception, good and bad
melting into an aged rain that
bathes the grass at dawn with
the spit of shallow weeds and
medicated repetition as the
so[u]l[e]s of my shoes become the
legs of my jeans and the day/i
surface[s] gasping for air and light

5am another inch of time creeps out
of fragments of broken monuments to
step forward into fragile enlightenment
trembling under fresh green skies
orange horizons fall eternally backward
into silver ribbons of sun awake

6am sweep the patio clean,
lie to the earth, swallow the spaces
stop chasing citrus thoughts with
bittersweet aftertastes and just
gather up all the blue lemons,
add happiness, stir, and
make some lemonade.

copyright JANEisnotplain 7.09

---from the 0330am series

abstract

abstract

hotel room. i am lying. on the bed.
my brain. connections sparking in
my eyes. a black berry stain. on a
white dress. altered. a butterfly in-
side a glass bottle. transparent.con-
tain[t]ed. chaos is beautiful.like the
strings on a cello.floating face down.
black cat. green skeletons. blue air.
fog. rain. sunshine.twice. the sunshine.


JANEisnotplain 0325am 5.8.09

de-fragmented

de-fragmented


the keyboard is unfeeling and
the words are darwinian evolutions
perhaps even freudian re-volutions

there is only the exit and the clock
the monitor no longer sees or saves

self

i am
this file
is un-solvable
or should that be salvageable?

up-grades, up-dates, down-loads
automate, populate, disseminate

my mind ticks and clicks
while it waits for its reboot


JANEisnotplain 4.09

insomniac writings at 0323am

self portrait: 35th birthday

self portrait: 35th birthday

i have
ended/begun
thirty five times

JANEisnotplain 3.19.09
part of the 0330 am project